When Winning Is Losing
Try not to force your idea on someone, but rather think about it with him. If you feel you have won the discussion, that also is the wrong attitude. Try not to win in the argument; just listen to it.
Shunryu Suzuki
On August 6, 1997, Korean Air flight 801 crashed into a mountain killing all but 25 of its 254 occupants.
The pilot followed an electronic signal he thought to be the navigation beacon at the Guam airport.
When challenged by the flight crew, the pilot won the debate, and 229 people lost their lives.
No one likes to lose an argument.
When our opinion is challenged, we instinctively become defensive.
If we have a higher status than our opponent or we are more skilled in arguing, we win.
At least we win the dispute.
Most likely, no one will die as a result of our victory. But there may be other fatalities.
We could be ruined financially if a bad decision turns out to be costly.
Our relationships could be destroyed if we use a scorched-earth strategy to beat down our opponents.
Or the ultimate disaster: the ego, which we were so eager to defend, may suffer embarrassment when we are shown to be wrong.
Then there is that little thing known as the truth.
So, how do we protect ourselves from potential disaster?
Always treat others with respect, even if they are completely wrong.
People are rarely completely wrong. There is usually a fact or perspective that we hadn’t considered.
Set aside our assumptions about what the other person will say and listen to what they do say.
Be on alert for defensive emotions that can impair our judgment.
If we are much better at arguing, we may have to “steelman” the other position ourselves.
We must be more committed to discovering the truth than to protecting our ego.
Recognize that learning when we are wrong and correcting the mistake is a win.
The only chance we have of overcoming our defensive mechanisms is to turn these things into habits.
Who knows what disasters we might prevent?
Now available at Amazon: The Courageous Heart: Wisdom for Difficult Times in paperback and eBook, an Eric Hoffer Award Finalist, a must-read for anyone seeking inspiration and guidance. Get your copy today.
